jucy update!

here's what jude and lucy have been up to lately.

jude

-jude loves thomas the train. he's not quite as into thomas as he used to be, and he only watches it here and there. but for jude's second birthday brian and i bought him a thomas the train stuffed pillow. he is obsessed with that thing. he sleeps with it every night. when we check on jude before we go to bed, he has the thomas pillow resting on his head. and every morning he has to carry thomas downstairs with him. he pretty much can't go out of jude's sight. he talks to thomas all the time which may seem weird but i think its so cute that he loves to pretend. he's got such an imagination. the other morning jude was playing in the living room. he was chit chatting away and said to me "i love thomas so much, mama!"

-whenever it gets close to a transition time (nap, going inside, running an errand) i've gotten in the habit of saying "5 more minutes..." and then "2 more minutes..." to warn jude of the coming location change. it seems to help avoid any sudden disappointments and he usually says "ok, mama." a couple weeks ago brian was getting jude up from his nap. we had told jude before he fell asleep that we were going to church that evening. so jude was getting dressed and he said to brian as he held up three fingers "three more minutes and we're going to CHURCH!"

-jude and lucy go to gramma and papa's house on tuesday's and wednesday's. sarah's mom is currently living at their house, jude and lucy's great gramma. so great gramma was asking jude who bella is. jude calmly replied "emmy's sister." it totally made sense to him.

-on the way to gramma's house the other day jude was talking up a storm in the backseat. he said, "i love gramma. gramma is a princess."

-the other day i played some beatles songs for jude. yup, "hey jude" and "lucy in the sky with diamonds". he loved it. particularly the second one. he alllllways asks to hear the lucy song. he screams it quite often. a few days ago, during naptime, i could hear jude yelling at the top of his lungs, "lucy in the sky with the diamonds!" he's so entertaining.

-one of jude's favorite things to do is watch youtube clips of monster trucks, helicopters, and cars with meme. there's also a volkswagon commercial that jude is obsessed with. it's a really cute commercial, you have to watch it. jude cracks up at the same point every time...when the dog drops the ball down the stairs and the music starts. he dances and bounces and sings, "get up off that thing...dance 'til you feel better!" its so adorable.

-mom was hanging out with jude one night and they went into her room. jude sat down and said, "i like your room, meme." mom said, "thanks, its pretty messy right now" to which jude replied, "yeah, it is kinda gross." he is too much.

-jude, lucy, and i were hanging out at home one day. jude said, "lucy is so beautiful and i am handsome."

-jude is so particular. he is quite like his bampy, and i'm not just saying that. he totally is. dad was a little OCD. i've actually had fears that jude might legitimately need therapy for OCD...ok, not really, but he definitely needs things to be a certain way. for instance, if it's raining he HAS to wear a hat. he literally will not go outside unless he has one on. he freaks out if i don't shut the hallway gate behind me. at brian's parents house the other day, he started screaming and pointing at the counter while saying "clean that, its messy!" he was pointing to a teapot that had a few crumbs on it. he once refused to eat m&m's that had melted a tad and looked a little blemished. my mom called him a "fuddy duddy" once, and it totally fits. he laughed so hard and says it all the time now. he saw a picture on my mom's computer of her and dad and he said "who are those two old fuddy duddies?" he is a nut!

-in the past, jude and i have had a few conversations about rainbows. he loves seeing them in the sky. i told him that rainbows mean that god keeps his promises. he would say that every now and then when he saw a rainbow. well, the other day i was getting lucy dressed. the shirt i put on her had a rainbow on the front. jude said, "look, lucy has a rainbow on her shirt!" i said, "yeah, you are right! what does a rainbow mean?" and he said, "god keeps us safe." i wondered for a second where he came up with that...then i remembered that he colored a picture at church the previous week of noah's ark and it said "god keeps us safe." he went on to say, "noah built a huge ark and put animals on it!" it was a definite proud parent moment.

that kid is too smart.

-oh, it wouldn't be a complete jude update without mentioning that jude is completely potty trained. he took to it so well and has been peeing/pooping like a champ! yay...that was easier than i thought it would be.

lucy

-so, lucy is three months now. her life is pretty boring and uneventful. let me think...she's still an amazing sleeper and so laid back. one of my favorite things about her.

-i think lucy has started teething. i know it seems early, but jude did this too...she's been gnawing on her hands for a couple weeks now. although i know it'll probably be another three months until she actually  works up a tooth. 

-lucy has been "talking" like crazy. she makes really funny noises. she does this raspberry type thing with her lips that is just plain cute. 

-lucy is quite a kicker. she kicks her swaddleme right off and sometimes i'm afraid she'll bounce right out of the bouncer seat. 

-oh, big news for lucy. she sat in her bumbo this week. she doesn't like it for much longer than a few minutes...it is quite a workout for that little neck.

-lucy is definitely a chunker and i love it. she's got rolls upon rolls. her carseat is getting pretty darn heavy to carry. she fits quite well in six month clothes. i like babies that aren't fragile. 

-her smile takes over her entire face, i can't get enough of it! i never thought i'd love her this much. she's my little gift. every time i look at her i remember that she is a calm amidst the storm.

a good read.

"i cry out, "my splendor is gone! everything i had hoped for from the lord is lost!" the thought of my suffering is bitter beyond words. i will never forget this awful time as i grieve over my loss. yet i still dare to hope when i remember this: the faithful love of the lord never ends. his mercies never cease. great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. i say to myself, "the lord is my inheritance; therefore, i will hope him him." the lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him...for no one is abandoned by the lord forever. though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. my tears flow endlessly. they will not stop until the lord looks down from heaven and sees. you heard me when i cried; yes, you came when i called. you told me, "do not fear!" lord, you are my lawyer. plead my case, for you have redeemed my life." lamentations 3.

i am so thankful for god's word. ok, that totally didn't sound like something i'd say, right? but its true. i mean, come on, lamentations? who even reads that book? but there's some good stuff in there. i remember in high school i was literally obsessed with the bible. that sounds dorky, but i was. i would spend hours reading it...searching and studying the pages to find passages that i could apply to my life. i would write down verses and scatter them like a trail of breadcrumbs. on my mirror, in my car, on my books. i'd e-mail verses, write them in cards, and leave them on post-its in my dad's office. i soaked it in like a sponge.

my, how the things that i've read are coming in quite handy.

i'm sad to say that i don't have quite as much time to read the bible as i used to. i'm even sadder to say that there are plenty of days that i forget. but not a day goes by that i do not remember the words that i've read time and time again. i need the bible now more than ever, and it never fails to deliver peace and hope to me when i need it.

i encourage you to search god's word and find some passages that speak to you. write them down, memorize them, meditate on them. you might not know when you'll need those words, but i guarantee that you will.

this is how i choose to deal.

in general, i'd say i'm an optimistic person. i usually look on the bright side of things. i see the positive in most situations. my cup is usually half full. however, i've never suffered significant losses or walked through much grief...until this year. and i've learned quite a bit about myself through it all.

loss number one: my dad. when i think about my life, i never would have imagined it to end up this way. it just wasn't what i pictured or planned on. i remember how much better life would be with my dad here and i get bummed. its always going to suck that his life was cut so short. the fact that he's in heaven, not suffering, and that i was blessed with him in the first place does not change the fact that him being gone from my life is just plain crappy. am i able to see the positive in the situation? yes, absolutely. his death has taught me to be thankful for what i have and have had. i now know how to react to people who have suffered a loss similar to mine. my ability to handle this grief and continue on in life is a testament to god's faithfulness and power. i find comfort in the fact that my dad is in heaven. he is happy, joyful, and pain free. but do these things change the fact that his death was a negative occurrence? no, it doesn't.

loss number two: my future and my career. about two weeks before dad went into the hospital i quit my job. it was a job that i enjoyed. i was a family support worker at a child development center. i loved my job. great hours, great people, and the pay was alright. but when we learned that dad would be evaluated for the transplant list, we decided together that i should begin working with him and learning his business as soon as possible. me working at brewster financial was always part of the plan. i would train under my dad for a while and eventually learn the craft of financial planning. then, when my dad wanted to semi-retire, i would take over and run things with his guidance. so much for that plan. i worked with my dad for approximately one hour. he was admitted to the hospital the next week, never to see the light of day again. there goes my career. my future plans were gone forever. our dreams to build and continue brewster financial, a business built on the intellect and hard work of my dad, were dashed. and it hasn't been fun dealing with that loss.

thankfully, i was given the opportunity to work at the office where brewster financial once was. i am extremely grateful for the fact that i have a new job that i enjoy. is it all that i had hoped for? no, certainly not. nothing would beat being able to learn from and work with my dad on a daily basis. that would have been awesome. it hurts when i think about what i'm missing and i've struggled to find a positive in this whole circumstance. why would god have allowed me to quit my job if he knew that i'd end up jobless and lost? the positive is that he's given me a job to help pay the bills. is it as good as our previous plan? no, its not. its just the truth.

loss number three: our church. we began attending the rock church in brewer in september of 2009. there we many things that attracted us there: the preaching, the atmosphere, the coffee, and the people. but most of all it was the feeling i got when we walked in the door. i felt at home. the atmosphere was laid back, modern, and comforting. we got connected right away and began serving. brian took over as worship leader and i was in charge of cafe. a couple weeks before we had lucy we found out that our church was disbanding and moving to combine with the other branch of the rock church in bangor. we were very un-excited about the transition, but we knew we had to trust that the leadership was making the right decision. the whole move has been extremely hard on our whole family. jude woke up from his nap the other day and was so excited to go to church. he said to brian "three more minutes and we're going to CHURCH!" i guess when they pulled in the parking lot jude started crying and said "no, not this church! i don't like this one!" its been really hard for us to give up the church that we loved so much. we are trusting that god has a plan through all of this, and that things will get better. we try to stay positive, but we can't ignore the fact that we don't like it and we miss the way things used to be.

loss number four: a best friend. dj was not only our best friend, he was a part of our family. he was always at our house. he was one of those friends who we didn't need to make a special plan for. he required no entertaining. he just came over and hung out. he fit right into our lives. he was content to just be with us, no matter what we were doing. its been so hard to come to grips with the fact that he's gone. we always knew he might not live as long as the rest of our friends, but nothing can prepare you for a loss like this. its been tough to fathom that two hugely important people have been snatched from our lives in such a short amount of time. we miss dj insanely. i haven't been able to see anything postive in this incident. i many never will and that's ok.

i've struggled to understand why god has allowed these things to happen. the truth is that sometimes things happen that don't make much sense. you can chose how you handle the losses in your life. i have discovered that i am neither an optimist or a pessimist. i am a realist. i see things for what they are, whether they are good or bad. i'm not going to convince myself that my dad's death happened for a reason or that the church change is nothing but grins and giggles. its impossible to will gray skies to be blue. gray skies make me thankful for the blue, but i can't change reality.

sometimes in the world of christianity, you are made to feel bad if you call a spade a spade. people act like i need to ignore my pain and thank god for my ability to walk or for the birds chirping outside my window. i'm made to feel like a negative nancy if i have an "ok" week or if i discuss how unhappy god's plan makes me at times. well guess what, that's life. i find comfort in being able to see positives. negatives in life have made me infinitely thankful for what i have. but i refuse to ignore that life's losses have left me grieving what once was. and this is how i choose to deal.

some of my favorite things.

i was just cleaning up in the kitchen and put away one of my favorite things. i wanted to share because they've brought joy to my life. as well as a few other things. (my sister at my cup runneth over did this a few days ago, so i may be totally copying her idea, but oh well.)

planet wise snack bags. they are amazing. between brian's lunches five days a week and mine and jude's two days a week, i was going through so many plastic sandwich bags. and it made me mad. so i got my hands on some of these. it made the cheapskate and the recycler in me very happy. i have a mixture of the big snack bags, the small snack bags, and the sandwich wrap. i use them every day. buy some.

charlie's laundry soap. my kids wear cloth diapers. i love them. i needed to get some new detergent, so brian picked some up at the central street farmhouse. its a plastic container of laundry detergent, perfect for cloth diapers. it holds eighty loads worth of soap...one scoop her load. it cost fourteen dollars, but if we bring back the plastic container they will refill it for a measly five bucks. yup, i said that correctly. that's eighty loads worth of soap for five dollars. an amazing deal if you ask me.

biscoff spread. you know those cookies you get on the airplane? its kind of like a graham cracker, but more like a cookie? they are so good. so my mother-in-law introduced me to a spread made of those cookies. its heaven in a jar. its kind of like the european version of peanut butter. you've got to try it. i get mine at wal-mart, although i think they have it at hannaford too.

pictures of lucy. she's just such a beauty, i can't possibly not share it. i just ordered a 16 x 20 print of the rocking chair one. its going to be huge.

my toms. seriously comfortable shoes. i remember being excited to show them to dad, for obvious reasons.

god is able. i adore this song. you have to listen to it. it has such powerful words and has kind of been my theme song this year. 

the end!

what i learned from mary stuart.

when my dad died last fall, there were several people in my life who were extremely supportive and encouraging. one of them was mary stuart. and she taught me a really helpful lesson.

when you lose someone who is a huge part of your life, you experience many emotions. at least i did. at times i felt mad at the circumstance. i felt annoyed. i felt thankful for the promise of heaven. i felt peace. i felt disappointment. mary taught me that its ok to feel all of those things. she told me many times that is perfectly acceptable to be honest with your emotions. its ok to be mad at god's plan, or to tell him that you are disappointed with how things turned out. mary is no stranger to loss, and she knows what i've been going through.

people would often tell me "its ok, he's in heaven!" or "everything happens for a reason." mary never said any of that crap. probably because she knew how it felt. she always encouraged me and supported the way i was feeling, whether it be mad, sad, disappointed, or peaceful.

i have had a hard time lately, for obvious reasons. losing my dad and a best friend six months apart is pretty rough. i feel like i'm dealing well...focusing on the fact that i know they are in heaven, they are not in pain, and they are experiencing great joy. i have felt the prayers of my loved ones and have been showered with an insane peace. i can't explain how i've gotten through this whole ordeal...the only thing i can say is that God certainly has something to do with it. or everything to do with it.

it gets annoying when people tell me to feel a certain way, especially people who have no idea what i'm going through. i don't need people to tell me to be thankful or to focus on positive things. its unfair for someone to tell me to ignore my pain and be thankful for green grass and the sun in the sky. i face my pain head on, as mary taught me. i accept the fact that i have suffered two incredible losses this year. am i thankful? yes. extremely. i have an amazing family, two beautiful children, a roof over my head, food on my table, and a savior that gives me peace and walks alongside me. i will forever be grateful for these things. i am beyond blessed to have had the dad that i had. i would rather have had my dad for two years than had a crappy dad for fifty. and the same goes for dj. our fourteen year friendship is something i will hold on to always. but do i feel sad that i lost them both? yes, of course. and i will be honest with that sadness...i won't hide it.

so thanks, mary, for what you've taught me. the lessons you learned through your losses have encouraged me through mine. i hope i can pass these lessons on to others, just as you have done for me.

lucy: our light.

i've never been big on the meaning of names. we picked our kids names because we liked them. they went together and they kind of formed a beatles theme that we enjoy. i have no clue what the name jude means. but someone once told me that lucy means "light". its pretty appropriate, if you ask me.

its been a freaking banner year. i think i walked under a few ladders sometime recently without knowing it. and broke a few mirrors. thirteen to be exact. let's just be honest...its been a bad year. with one major exception. lucy mae.

on the day of dj's death, brian and i spent a lot of time sitting, talking, and thinking. we laughed about memories we had with dj. we cried because we loved him so much and he's left us behind. we hugged our babies close. i sat and talked to lucy. she gazed back at me and smiled a million times, like she always does. her little eyes got all squinty and she opened her mouth wide. i love her smile. it takes over her whole face. and i just kept thinking...wow, she truly is our angel baby. a gift given in the darkest of days. a calm in the midst of a terrible storm. our light.

life's losses make you abundantly thankful for what you do have. while its hard to accept what i've lost this year, i am insanely thankful for what i've gained. and that would be lucy mae, my little queen bee, my love and my light.

 

another great loss.

so i had this friend. his name was dj and he was the greatest guy ever. we met when we were 13 or 14 and we've been friends ever since. dj has been a constant in the lives of brian and i, a part of our family. we hung out every day over a span of, oh, ten years. hardly a day went by that i did not see dj or share sarcastic banter over text. dj was the real deal; easy going, thoughtful, sarcastic and loyal. he was the annoying, pest of a brother i never had. he was the best.

a couple weeks ago dj texted brian and told him that he was going to the emergency room because he had pneumonia. we were used to this, it happened a lot. dj only had one lung so it was never good when pneumonia came to visit, but it usually never got too serious. he told brian that he was going to get some meds and then go back home, no big deal. things quickly turned. brian talked to mary, dj's mom, at 2 a.m. the next morning. i could hear her voice as i laid in bed, "umm, dj's not going to make it. the organ donor team is on their way." tears came instantly. brian rushed out the door to go say good-bye to one of our greatest friends. i stayed home, unsure that i could handle seeing another loved one in that state. it was impossible to wrap my brain around this. it still seems unreal that my dad died six months ago...i certainly could not fathom this happening to someone else that meant so much to me.

to make a long story short, dj fought the good fight for another two weeks or so. he was in and out of consciousness and his doctors did all that they could. but his body decided it was time and he started to shut down. i got a teary call from brian, just as i started my first day back at work. dj had died.

it makes me wonder, what is up with God's plan? what kind of a God would allow this to happen? not only to me, but to dj's awesome mom. mary suffered the tragic loss of her husband while she was pregnant with dj 28 years ago. she gave birth to dj, the light of her life, who was born with many health complications. and now she's forced to bury her only child? its so unfair. it doesn't make sense. and it never will.

but then i am reminded of God's goodness. God gave mary, and the world, such an amazing gift...27 years with her ridiculously awesome son. he wasn't expected to live this long, but he did. he defied the odds and lived a full life despite his body's downfalls.

i know i've written this before, but through my trials this year i've realized that crappy things happen. there may be no good reason for it and it may not make sense, ever. but it happens. the great part is that God gives us the strength and peace to survive. and not only to survive, but to recognize little, tiny blessings along the way.

its only been four days since dj passed. i don't think i've been able to wrap my head around it at all. it does not seem real. i'm still grieving my dad so its hard to even begin to think that this process has to begin for another person in my top 10. but what i can process is that dj is in heaven. he's praising jesus like never before. he has met his dad for the very first time. they are probably laughing, joking, and talking about how awesome and strong mary is. i also know that my dad welcomed dj with open arms and a booming chuckle. dj loved my dad and i'm sure they are enjoying their reunion. i hope he's telling dad how cute his granddaughter is.

dj, i'll miss you always. you are truly my brother; always there for me, encouraging, loyal, and super annoying. we've been through so much over the many years of friendship we shared and you'll always be a huge part of my life. you stuck by me through the toughest time in my life...i still remember staring at your face during dad's memorial service. you are an anchor in my life. a constant friend. a gift from God.

love you, dj.