i will rise.

dad died just before midnight on november 23rd, the day before thanksgiving. mom, megan, brian and close family friends, chris and reggie, were present. the next morning nick and bella flew in from texas. so on the way home we had two cars. brian and i rode in one. it was an emotional ride. we would be laughing hysterically one moment, remember dad and his humor. the next we'd be crying like crazy. we started listening to the christian sirius station. that was a mistake. so this song by chris tomlin came on called "i will rise". wow...it was insane. the words could not have been more perfect. i started crying instantly. i couldn't believe what a perfect song it was for what we had just been through. it was sad and comforting all at the same time. 

so went spent those few minutes just listening and crying. then that sanctus real song came on called "lead me" about the man who leads his family...geez.

when brian was making the picture slideshow for dad's service i knew he had to use that chris tomlin song. so he did and it was beautiful. i seriously could not even hear a note of that song without completely losing it. i had to leave the room when brian was making the video. 

i heard the song last night in the car. i usually change the station because i just can't handle it. but this time i listened. and i could picture my dad singing it. i cried, but i also felt happy for him...happy that he is in heaven, bowing before god and singing his praises. 

if you haven't heard this song, you have to. for some reason this is not letting me upload it from itunes, but you can listen to it here. the lyrics are below.

there's a peace i've come to know.
thought my heart and flesh may fail,
there's an anchor for my soul.
i can say, "it is well."

jesus has overcome
and the grave is overwhelmed.
the victory is won,
he has risen from the dead!

and i will rise when he calls my name;
no more sorrow, no more pain.
i will rise on eagles' wings.
before my god, fall on my knees
and rise...i will rise.

there's a day thats drawing near
when this darkness breaks to light.
and the shadows disappear
and my faith shall be my eyes.

jesus has overcome

and the grave is overwhelmed.

the victory is won,

he has risen from the dead!

and i will rise when he calls my name;

no more sorrow, no more pain.

i will rise on eagles' wings.

before my god, fall on my knees 

and rise...i will rise.

and i hear the voice of many angels sing,

"worthy is the lamb!"

and i hear the cry of every longing heart,

"worthy is the lamb!"

and i will rise when he calls my name;

no more sorrow, no more pain.

i will rise on eagles' wings.

before my god, fall on my knees 

and rise...i will rise.

why god's plan sucks sometimes.

the last few days have been kind of rough. christmas is over. things are settling down. its quiet, slow, regular life. but its so not regular. my dad isn't here for me to text every morning. he's not here to call me just to say hi. he can't stop by and see jude or bring him munchkins from dd. and i hate it.

so for me, god's plan sucks right about now. it sucks because i am 27 years old and i lost my dad. it sucks because my future plans have gone down the drain. it sucks because jude probably won't remember his bampy, and lucy didn't even get to meet him. it sucks because there are so many other people i know who still have their dads...however crappy or old they may be. it sucks because my life has no hope of being as good as it could have been if my dad was still here.

i'm angry because i lost my main person. besides brian, dad was my person. we talked every day. he always gave me advice. we shared life. we shared our plans for the future. it was insane how my dad and i were alike. i felt like he always understood me...aside from the few issues that we disagreed on, its like we just got each other. and now i feel so alone.

and then i remember...god's plan sucks sometimes because i'm not god. i don't see things like he sees them. i can't see the big picture or the future. but god can. i may not see a single positive thing that has come from dad's death, but god can and he is much greater than my view of him or his plan could ever be.

so yes, this part of god's plan for my life is complete crap. but i find comfort in the fact that god know's what he's doing whether i believe it or not.

christmas traditions.

the brewster's love tradition. its in our blood. every christmas, up until i got married, was the same. we did the same things, ate the same food...everything was the same. but i loved it. after getting married, christmas got even better because i had two families to celebrate with. there's an amazing comfort in tradition...knowing that things will be like you're used to them being. christmas traditions remind me of my childhood and all the memories i have of the past.

so, speaking of brewster traditions, here are a few that i'll always remember.

1. mom and aunt shopping the night before thanksgiving. they've gone christmas shopping on this night every year, for as long as i can remember. i often went out to eat with dad. the night before thanksgiving will never be the same, since that was the night that dad passed, so not sure if that tradition will continue...but i know they loved it.

2. peanut butter balls. grammy always made peanut butter balls. dad was obsessed with them. i think they were his favorite food at christmastime. for some reason, he always had a tradition of not eating one until christmas eve. they'd be sitting in the fridge for a week but he had a tradition so he had to stick to it. so funny.

3. christmas lights. every december 23rd megan and i went to grammy and grampy's. first, we ate dinner. then we got bundled up in our pajama's and blankets and piled in the car. grampy drove us all around bangor and brewer to look at the christmas lights. when we were little, we'd giggle and whisper in the back seat and hope that they'd make a stop at dairy queen to get us blizzards. it pretty much always happened. we listened to christmas music and sang together. it was the best. things changed when we no longer trusted their driving...but we still went. the only difference was the chauffeur...and i think the dairy queen part fizzled eventually.

4. church. christmas eve would not be christmas eve without going to church at night. i don't think a christmas has gone by without this tradition. i love it. its so cozy and fun.

5. christmas pajamas. every christmas eve megan and i get pajamas. sometimes we match, sometimes we don't. sometimes mom and dad get them...and sometimes the boys. i don't think we will ever allow mom to let go of this ritual.

6. the polar express and the little golden book. mom reads to us christmas eve night. ok, i know we are like 27 and 30...but i think it will still happen this year. it can't not happen after all these years! i remember hating the polar express...dad and i would make fun of it. but i still love the tradition. and i don't know the name of the little golden book...but its about animals and jesus and christmas. pure goodness.

7. wrapping gifts late at night. dad was always a procrastinator when it came to christmas shopping. he'd go out at the very last minute and shop for mom. and he never failed to force megan and i to do his wrapping christmas eve night.

8. croissants and fruit. our christmas breakfast. dad was obsessed with this. i remember one year mom wasn't able to find the same croissants we have always had, and he was mad. and forget even considering not having the fruit. he would not allow it. every winter my parents always have an endless supply of grapefruit and oranges cut up in the fridge. it was a necessity.

9. kenny g. opening gifts at the brewster home always took a while. not necessarily because there were so many gifts, but because we took our time. we'd watch every person open a gift and then we'd pass it around to those who wanted a closer look. we even took a snack break after like an hour. and we alllllways had kenny g playing. dad wouldn't let us start opening until kenny g was present. i think that tradition will always stick around.

some traditions will change or go away. some have changed already. but some will stay forever. and i love the fact that i have these to remember as i think about my childhood. brian and i look forward to starting our own keezer family traditions. i'm so thankful to my parents for making christmas so magical for megan and i. this year will be different, considering our family has changed significantly, but we definitely plan to make the best of our circumstance. and we remain thankful for what we do have, including memories and traditions that will stay with us forever.

jfk update.

jude has turned into one of the funniest people ever. he seriously cracks me up so much. the other night brian and i were laughing as we discussed how jude never shuts up. he is literally always talking. but i love it. and he certainly provides a lot of free entertainment for those around him.

what amazes me lately is his ability to make connections and put sentences together. its so insane. the other day we got home from somewhere and he said "i want a cookie!" he said those exact words...and he often says "i" when referring to himself. i'm sure its just coincidence that he uses the correct person and tense, but its crazy!

jude is always walking around the house saying "yay for helicopter!" while clapping. i know i said this once on the ride past the helicopter. oh yeah, thats a huge part of our life...on the way to and from mom's house we pass the transportation museum off the highway. there's a huge helicopter on display outside. its definitely the highlight of his life right now. he knows we are passing it, even if its pitch black outside. and sometimes he flips out if he doesn't get a good enough look at it. there's also a dump truck with santa waving in the front seat. jude's dream.

speaking of santa (and helicopters) there are a few things that come to his mind when the fat guy in red is mentioned. jude says "santa say 'ho ho ho! merrrrry christmas!'" its so cute. and santa cannot possibly be brought up without jude rambling on about santa in a helicopter on papa's roof. jude's grammy and papa have a huge blow up santa in a helicopter on their garage roof. jude, of course, loves it.

another hilarious thing that jude's been up to is saying things like "if you want to go to mimi's raise your hand! i do!" all while raising his hand. he does that about various things...another phrase he got from me. he's such a little parrot. he often says things like "oh my gosh!" or "oh my goodness!" the other day he even said "you're bugging me!"

ok, one more story. the other morning i went in to get jude from his crib. i walked in and he said "jude go to eaghan's, mama?" apparently he, like his parents and bampy, loves geaghan's. (for those of you who don't know, its a local restaurant.) we also drove by the street geaghan's is on that day and he said "eaghan's!!!!" he has a great sense of direction that i'm sure was inherited from bampy.

so there's a jfk update. so thankful for him, especially now. with missing my dad every second, jude is certainly a nice and constant distraction.

its called loyalty, friends.

you know those friends who are loyal? the ones who stick by you no matter what. the friends you know you can call, text, or e-mail whenever you need someone to talk to. people you can trust to stick up for you and always have your back. friends who reach out when they know you're going through a tough time. and it doesn't even matter if the last time you hung out was when george bush was president or not. those are the friends i'm thankful for these days.

hard times, like the death of my dad when i'm only 27, really give people a chance to show their true colors. i've seen a lot of that lately. friends who i have not spent time with in years have shown up, had my back, and made sure i'm ok. they've reached out, asked questions, offered a shoulder. i am so thankful for these friends.

i mean, let's be honest, if someone you consider a friend has something tragic happen in their life and you can't even acknowledge it, what kind of person are you? it would be one thing if you had no clue that a certain event happened...but to know it and ignore it? that's sad. and let's not use the "i didn't want to say anything to make her feel bad" excuse. i'm pretty sure a grieving person would rather you at least say "i'm sorry to hear about your dad" then say "hey, how are you?!" and pretend there's not a huge elephant in the room. LAME.

so here's a shout out to all those guys and gals who have showed up for me and my family over the last month. your loyalty has meant so much during this really crappy time. events like this show us who we can count on, and we know who those people are now. so thanks.

tasty bites: oatmeal peanut butter bars

these bars are amazing. i could sit and eat the whole pan. they are also very easy and require ingredients you probably have on hand. check it out!

ingredients:
-1/2 cup brown sugar
-1/2 cup sugar
-1/2 cup peanut butter
-1/2 cup butter, softened
-1 egg
-1 cup flour
-1/2 tsp. baking soda
-1 cup oatmeal

frosting:
-1/4 cup butter, softened
-1/4 cup peanut butter
-1 tsp. vanilla
-2-3 tbs. milk
-1 3/4 cup powdered sugar

directions:
1. preheat oven to 350. cream butter, peanut butter, and sugars in a large bowl. beat in egg. add flour, baking soda, and oatmeal. mix until combined.
2. press into ungreased 9x13 pan. bake for 15 to 20 minutes, or until edges are golden brown.
3. cool completely before frosting.
4. to make frosting, combine butter, peanut butter, and vanilla in bowl. whip until fluffy. add 2 tbs. milk and powdered sugar. whip and add more milk or sugar if needed. spread on cooled bars.

yum.

too good to be true.

throughout the past few years i often thought that my life seemed too good to be true. i remember thinking that i've never really had lots of crap happen to me. at least, nothing tragic or completely life altering. until now. and it pisses me of that i was right. my life was too good to be true.

when my dad was diagnosed with the liver disease seven years ago, it was awful. the worst day of my life, at that point. he went in for a no biggie procedure that would clear what they thought was a clogged bile duct. but they were wrong. what they found was PSC, otherwise known as primary sclerosing cholangitis, otherwise known as a piece of shit liver that would eventually fail completely.

 i remember that day. mom and i were sitting in the waiting room. i was knitting. mom was sitting. uncle byron came for a quick visit. then we got the news. the news that changed our lives forever. i remember calling megan and telling her what they found. that was awful. we both cried...a lot. dad took the news hard. he was still out of it from the procedure, but he was quiet and pessimistic, neither of which were characteristics of his.

the three of us went home. dad slept for a few hours. when he woke up, he was extremely negative. he kept talking about how he was going to die soon. he said that his life might as well be over. he wouldn't eat. he was depressed. but he woke up the next morning and he was back to his normal, optimistic self. he was positive and hopeful. he recognized the fact that although this situation was not ideal, we would all find a way to make it through, with God's help and direction.

over the last seven years of my dad's life, he endured what many would consider to be hell on earth. he was attacked physically, emotionally, and relationally. but after the day of his diagnosis, i have never seen my dad be anything less than a heroic fighter. he fought with all he had right up until his last breath.

so yeah, i guess i was right. my life was too good to be true. but, as much as i hate how things turned out, i am reminded of the lessons i've learned. and i also remember that things could be worse. my dad taught me more in ten minutes than many people get from their dad's in a lifetime. and for that i am so thankful.

what happened to our christmas miracle?

so the last time i wrote, i shared the idea that we were all waiting for the best christmas present ever: a brand spankin' new liver for my dad. well, clearly, we did not get that. and it definitely pisses me off sometimes. but then i remember all that stuff about god's plan being better than ours, etc. sometimes that seems like a load of crap and just a line people use to make themselves feel better. but then i remember...god is good, all the time. he is sovereign and he has a plan. and its true, his plan is better than mine, whether i like it or not.

so we left boston on a saturday. dad was still in the ICU. but he was stable and doing much better after his near death experience. the doctors were amazed. we were told to hope for a christmas miracle. we left feeling encouraged. although we knew dad was in bad shape overall, we felt like a liver was coming. we were hopeful.

then tuesday came.

mom got a call from mass. general saying that dad had taken another bad turn and we should come to boston asap. so mom and i took off. we called meg, who had just gotten to texas for thanksgiving break, and she found a flight home. mom and i made it to boston in record time and hurried to see dad. he looked ok. his kidneys had failed and he was on dialysis. his blood pressure was low so he was on meds for that as well as six antibiotics for the infections that had gotten worse. several doctors visited with mom and i that day and things were not looking good. mom and i cried...a lot. more than we had cried before. things seemed serious.

dad was so sweet that tuesday. when we first saw him, we could see he was excited for us to be there. mom put her cheek against his forehead and he said, "that feels so good." he needed us. he needed love and human touch. he kept wanting to hug and kiss us and he told me numerous times that i was "awesome". i remember saying "you're not too bad yourself." and he said "i don't know about that!" i think i said "i love you" about two hundred times that day. i could barely look at him without crying. he looked scared. he was more serious than he had been lately, and it scared me too.

brian got to boston around seven. dad was glad to see him. although brian and dad are completely opposite in almost every way, they had a special bond. dad kept winking at him and stretching to be able to see him. dad loved being with us. he didn't want us to leave and he refused to sleep. i wonder if he knew what was coming.

megan got in to boston around eleven. after brian left to meet her at the airport dad said "i need megan". he wanted us to be together. megan and brian soon arrived and we spent more time sitting. we all stayed in the hospital that night. dad didn't sleep a wink.

wednesday was a great day and a horrible day. we spent hours together, just the five of us. we talked, laughed, and cried. dad sang to us. "oh how i love jesus! oh how i love jesus! oh how i love jesus, because he first loved me." he also sang, "i sing because i'm happy. i sing because i'm free!" i can't describe how telling those moments were. that was totally dad. thinking positively and focusing on christ, even while facing death.

mom, meg, brian and i went to get some lunch. we came back to dad's room and something was different. he was confused. he had a terrified look in his eyes. his belly, where the infected fluid had been building up, looked even bigger. and it went downhill from there.

we met with the doctors. they shared with us that there wasn't much else they could do. dad's body was filled with infections that were growing by the second. he was on oxygen because breathing was a bit more difficult. this was it.

we went back into dad's room. with the exception of dad, we were all a mess. tears streaming down our faces, we all gathered around his bed. we spent the next hour or two talking and reminiscing. we shared our favorite memories. we talked about being excited for dad to come home after work every day. we laughed remembering the dance we made up to the song "kokomo". we told dad how much we loved him. we said that we wanted to raise our kids just like he raised us. we told him he was brave. we told him he was the best. we grasped his hand while we laughed and cried. he recited perfectly philippians 4:6 & 7. "do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of  God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

these were the most precious moments of my life.

we shared our last words and dad fell asleep, never to wake up again. i can't quite explain how i felt during this time. i don't think i even know. i just wanted what was best for him. i knew he was suffering and heaven was waiting for him. that's what got us through it. he would receive a new body with a perfect liver, and we knew that's what he wanted.

so i guess we didn't get our christmas miracle. but we did get a thanksgiving miracle. dad died a few minutes before thanksgiving day. as much as i hate this scenario, and its not what i wanted, its what god wanted. the greatest miracle of all is eternal life through jesus christ, and that is what dad received. the ultimate miracle.

for dad.

this is for for those of you present at dad's memorial who could not understand through brian's tears and blubbering. my words re: dad. 

i remember writing an essay in elementary school about my hero. of course, my hero was my dad. at the age of 10, it was a no brainer. and now, after 17 years, i feel that way more than ever. 

my dad was amazing. i could go on and on about all his good qualities but i think we would be here forever. so i will just name a few. my dad taught me how to be loyal. this was one of his greatest traits. he was loyal till the end, no matter what. people mattered to him, and he was always ready and willing to drop everything if someone needed him. my dad taught me to stand up for myself and for what i believe. he taught me to be opinionated and to always do the right thing. dad showed me that family and friends are what life is all about. he showed me how to work hard and respect others. 

but most importantly, he showed me jesus. 

i know that if he were here right now, he would say that this was his greatest achievement: leading his girls to christ and raising them to live in the ways of the lord. he was so proud to be our dad. i don't think a day went by that he did not tell me how proud he was of who i became. and i can easily say that it was all because of him. during these last few years, dad was, in many ways, my best friend. we talked every day. We encouraged each other and shared life's frustrations. we planned the future. we had each others backs. dad was the person i immediately called when i needed advice. he always knew what to say. and he never worried. he had so much faith and trust in what god had already done in his life that he knew he didn't have to worry about anything.

as i think about life without him, the hardest thing is knowing that jude will not have a chance to get to know his bampy. i remember telling dad that i was having a boy. i said, "you're going to have a golfing buddy!" dad was so excited to have a grandson. he always talked about the future with jude…taking him to his first red sox game, going to disney world, weekly breakfast outings to geaghans. as much as we will try to keep dad's memory alive, it will be hard for all of us to live life without him. he was that awesome. 

but through it all, i remind myself that aside from more time, dad had everything he had ever wanted. a beautiful wife, daughters and sons who love the lord, two (soon to be four) amazing grandchildren, and countless friends. but most importantly, he had jesus. and it is because of this that i can find peace in the loss of my father. he is now in heaven, healed of his disease, and praising his lord forever. and as much as we will miss him, he is in the most perfect place, exactly where he belongs.