when it hits you like a ton of bricks.

if you know me, you know i'm not super emotional. i'm pretty even keeled, for the most part. i don't get worked up about much. i don't cry often. i don't worry a lot. but i certainly have my moments.

since dad died, i have had good days and bad days. some days i cry a lot. some days i'm fine and i try not to think about what happened this fall. and some days it hits me like a ton of bricks.

so last week i was reading to jude. i went into his room and grabbed a bunch of books that we don't read super often. one of them was "on the night you were born." yeah, great choice. if you've read this book you probably know what i mean. i've read it to jude before and it always makes me a tad bit misty. i mean, its hard to avoid when you have kids. but this time, reading it to jude while lucy slept peacefully in her seat, misty doesn't begin to describe my eyes. i get through most of the book just fine, until i come to the page that says "heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born." holy crap, i can't even type that without tearing up. i looked down at lucy, so perfect and beautiful. i thought about my dad, in heaven, celebrating and listening to trumpets sound on the night of march 23rd.

i lost it. i bawled and bawled. jude just stared at me and said "why are you sad mama?" i couldn't help it. i pictured dad looking down on lucy, seeing her perfect face and her spiky black hair. i saw the pride on his face as he saw me hold my daughter for the first time. although i knew he was not with us physically when lucy entered the world, i know he was with us in spirit. he was watching from his front row seat in heaven and i know he caught a glimpse of his beautiful granddaughter.

it was a weird feeling that day. i felt joyful because that book reminded me that dad was very much a part of lucy's birth. he was celebrating in the best way. i also felt sad. sad because he couldn't hold lucy. he couldn't whisper Bible verses and songs in her ear like he had so many times with jude. but he could see her. and he could certainly celebrate. he celebrated with lucy's creator, who knew long ago how perfect she would be.

there were nights this past week when i cried and cried. there are times when i feel so empty. so alone. my dad was my rock and i feel so lost without him. he always had my back and its so weird to think that he's gone.

then church happened. it was a great message. jim spoke about job and all the trials he went through. he talked about how we don't know why god allows tough times to come, but what we do know is that god will always be there to pick us up and carry us through those times. so of course, i cried. i didn't cry because i was sad. it was more because i know that just like my dad did, god has my back. no matter what has happened or what will happen in the future, jesus christ is my firm foundation. and my dad would want nothing more than for me to cling to that truth.

those "hit you like a ton of bricks" moments remind me to be thankful for the ability to turn life's crappy experiences into something good.

"and we know that in all things god works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." romans 8:28

lucy mae keezer.

can i just say that lucy is the best baby in the entire world? ok, she's only two weeks old, but i'm serious. hopefully i'm not jinxing her by mentioning it, but she's honestly wonderful.

lucy was born on march 23rd at 5:07 p.m. she was 8 lbs 9 oz. (i grow big babies) and 21 inches long. she has the most insane head of thick, spiky black hair. i love it so much. she's such a beauty. people keep going on and on about how much she looks like brian...but i think its just because they currently have the same hairstyle going on.

my birth experience with lucy was so different than with jude. i won't get into details, but the labor was much worse and the pushing only lasted for 30 minutes...a nice change from 2 hours with jude. my doctor came in to check on me and i wasn't yet feeling the need to push. so she went to pick up her dog somewhere and bring him home. a few minutes after she left i knew that i had to start pushing asap. so my nurse, who was wonderful, called my doctor and told her to come back. considering my track record, my doctor told the nurse to have me start pushing...but she was afraid to do that because she knew lucy was rearing and ready to go. so my doctor rushed back, i pushed, and 30 minutes later lucy entered the world. the second i saw her my eyes filled with tears...she was completely purple but she was the most beautiful little girl i had ever seen. i looked at brian and he was teary eyed and giggling...just like he was when jude was born. our family felt so complete. she was perfect. and her hair was freaking AMAZING.

our entire family came in to meet her. everyone was so proud! i felt so happy and powerful. i couldn't help but think of my dad and wish he was there with us. i can picture him smiling so big and telling me what a great job i had done. he would have hugged brian and told him how proud he was. i kept telling myself that he was with us in spirit and that he could see lucy's beautiful face from his front row seat in heaven. that is what i hoped.

our weekend in the hospital was special. we cuddled lucy so much. we witnessed the first meeting of our son and our daughter and it was awesome. jude didn't have much of a reaction to her...he was kind of indifferent. but he at least acknowledged her, kissed her, and wasn't jealous. i felt so blessed.

ever since lucy was born she has been the most amazing sleeper, which has been life saving for us! jude was always a good sleeper, but not this amazing and not this soon. because she had lost a large percentage of weight, we had to wake her at night for about a week until she gained it back. she never once woke up on her own...we had to wake her every time. once we stopped having to wake her she has slept from nine to two and then again until seven or later. we have literally not been tired at all. i remember when jude was born i was in such a haze the first week because i was so exhausted. but this time around has been a piece of cake. i'm serious...she's perfect!

i've also been so happy with jude's adjustment to his baby sister. he loves her so much. he hasn't been jealous or mean. the first day we brought her home he showed her every one of his cars. the next morning when he woke up he yelled from his bed, "lucy! where are you?!" then he said, "lucy! i'm home!" if jude can't see lucy from where he's sitting at the dinner table he makes me turn her seat so he can see her face. he reads his cars books to her. he gives her eskimo kisses. he helps me change her diaper and get her dressed. he's such a good big brother! phew, what a relief.

so, bottom line, lucy rules and i'm so glad she's here! i am so enjoying the newborn stage...lots of snoozing and cuddle time. despite the negatives that have happened in my life this year, lucy has given me a reason to be joyous and thankful.

everything does not happen for a reason.

so, since my last post, i had a baby. she's perfect. honestly...she is. i am so thankful. she's healthy and beautiful and has the most awesome head of crazy, long black hair. she's the cutest baby i've ever seen.

as is obvious from my last post, lucy was supposed to be born on march 22nd. well that didn't happen. my doctor agreed several months ago to inducing me on my dad's birthday, 3/22. dad would have completely flipped if he and lucy shared a birthday! he told me several times in the past that he would love to share a birthday with an important person, like a child or grandchild. so this was perfect.

so the labor room calls me on the 21st. the guy tells me that things are looking crazy and there's a good chance i will not be able to get a room on the 22nd. seriously? like, for real God, what the heck? this is lame.

i call the labor room on the morning of the 22nd. they tell me to call back because its too busy. so i wait. and wait. my stomach is in knots. i then get a call from my doctor. she apologizes and says there's no way i can get in due to some other women who have medical reasons for being induced. stupid.

i ended up being induced the next day and had lucy on march 23rd. a day late.

when crappy things like this happen, people have a tendency to use the handy dandy "everything happens for a reason" line. well that's a load of crap. everything does NOT happen for a reason. there is absolutely no good reason why lucy could not have been born on my dad's birthday. people say, "this way lucy has her own birthday" or "its all in god's timing" or "your dad would have wanted his birthday all to himself." nope, that's false.

i am a wholehearted believer in the truth that God has a plan. he does, always. however, God does not plan for bad things to happen. sin causes them, and God allows it, but sometimes there is not a reason behind it. some things happen just because. life brings disappointments and they aren't necessarily always blessings in disguise. sometimes crappy things just happen.

i wonder why God did not intervene so that lucy could be born on dad's birthday. it was this one, tiny little thing that was perfectly planned and then totally screwed up. why? i'll never know and there will never be a good enough reason to make sense of it.

but what i do know is that i came out of this with the most adorable baby who is healthy and strong and perfect. so i guess that's all that matters.