when it hits you like a ton of bricks.

if you know me, you know i'm not super emotional. i'm pretty even keeled, for the most part. i don't get worked up about much. i don't cry often. i don't worry a lot. but i certainly have my moments.

since dad died, i have had good days and bad days. some days i cry a lot. some days i'm fine and i try not to think about what happened this fall. and some days it hits me like a ton of bricks.

so last week i was reading to jude. i went into his room and grabbed a bunch of books that we don't read super often. one of them was "on the night you were born." yeah, great choice. if you've read this book you probably know what i mean. i've read it to jude before and it always makes me a tad bit misty. i mean, its hard to avoid when you have kids. but this time, reading it to jude while lucy slept peacefully in her seat, misty doesn't begin to describe my eyes. i get through most of the book just fine, until i come to the page that says "heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born." holy crap, i can't even type that without tearing up. i looked down at lucy, so perfect and beautiful. i thought about my dad, in heaven, celebrating and listening to trumpets sound on the night of march 23rd.

i lost it. i bawled and bawled. jude just stared at me and said "why are you sad mama?" i couldn't help it. i pictured dad looking down on lucy, seeing her perfect face and her spiky black hair. i saw the pride on his face as he saw me hold my daughter for the first time. although i knew he was not with us physically when lucy entered the world, i know he was with us in spirit. he was watching from his front row seat in heaven and i know he caught a glimpse of his beautiful granddaughter.

it was a weird feeling that day. i felt joyful because that book reminded me that dad was very much a part of lucy's birth. he was celebrating in the best way. i also felt sad. sad because he couldn't hold lucy. he couldn't whisper Bible verses and songs in her ear like he had so many times with jude. but he could see her. and he could certainly celebrate. he celebrated with lucy's creator, who knew long ago how perfect she would be.

there were nights this past week when i cried and cried. there are times when i feel so empty. so alone. my dad was my rock and i feel so lost without him. he always had my back and its so weird to think that he's gone.

then church happened. it was a great message. jim spoke about job and all the trials he went through. he talked about how we don't know why god allows tough times to come, but what we do know is that god will always be there to pick us up and carry us through those times. so of course, i cried. i didn't cry because i was sad. it was more because i know that just like my dad did, god has my back. no matter what has happened or what will happen in the future, jesus christ is my firm foundation. and my dad would want nothing more than for me to cling to that truth.

those "hit you like a ton of bricks" moments remind me to be thankful for the ability to turn life's crappy experiences into something good.

"and we know that in all things god works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." romans 8:28