why yesterday sucked.

i don't know what was up with yesterday. i woke up with a sore throat. awesome. but i got ready and got to work 45 minutes early, which made me happy. i always smile when i get there early because i think of dad going in to work at weird hours. i'm so like him.

so i get to work. some things happened that made me want to cry so there i sit, alone in the office with watering eyes. the rest of the day i come across several old e-mails that my dad had written to various individuals talking about family, sports, god, etc. there was even one when he explained the importance of being a good dad and how that was his most crucial job. he wrote about playing golf, expecting his first grandson, visiting yankee stadium, hoping to go to the masters one day (which he did). oh, awesome, perfect. just what i needed to top off the fact that i was sitting there in his office, already emotional and feeling his absence.

in addition, since dad passed i inherited the job of taking over my grandparents finances. its a tough job, to say the least. i had issues to face with all their affairs which was stressing me out even more. so the day went on and i felt like crap, physically and emotionally. i left work, ran some errands, and came home. i organized some of lucy's clothes. i cried a lot. i blew my nose. awesome day.

oh-did i mention that yesterday was also the three month anniversary of his death? that was just the cherry on top. it seems impossible that only three months has gone by...it feels like an eternity since i saw him last.

i guess life will always be this way. good days and bad days. when you're faced with grieving the loss of someone so important, i don't think its ever easy. it sucks. and its not that my life is terrible-i have so much to be thankful for: an amazing husband, awesome friends, family i can count on, a really cool kid, a warm house, food, a job, good health, etc. but my life now sucks to what i would be if my dad was still alive. plain and simple. there's no getting around that. and if you knew my dad, or knew our relationship, you'd get that.

it was just one of those days when nothing makes sense and everything makes you want to cry. i hate those days. especially now since my dad was always who i could talk to when i felt like that. he was such a good listener. he never made excuses for how i was feeling and he didn't try to solve all my problems. he listened and he sympathized first, and then he gave advice or encouragement. he was the best at that.

but now he's gone and i don't think i'll ever get used to it.