so long future plans.

i'm one of those people that likes to make plans. i like to know what i'm doing a few days, weeks, months from now. i like to be organized. i like to know what's coming. i'm a planner.

my dad and i had plans. dad owned his own business, brewster financial, for almost 20 years. he was a financial advisor and helped people manage and invest their money. he was so good at it. his amazing intelligence and relationship based personality helped him thrive in his professional life. for years we talked and dreamed about working together. i would learn from him and become a part of brewster financial so that one day he could retire and leave me to take over.

when we received news in september that dad's liver condition was worse than we thought, dad and i decided that we should pursue this path of working together as soon as possible. we assumed that dad would get a transplant, be out of work for a while, and return to show me the ropes. so i made the decision to quit my job and make the career move official. we could work together for a few months before dad got his new liver and my real training would begin after that.

when october 11th arrived, my first day on the job, dad was ecstatic. he told everyone and anyone who would listen that i was going to work for him. i walked into his office that morning and can still picture the joy on his face. i want to cry just thinking about it.

my first day did not quite go as planned. it took place during the time when dad was not himself...irritable, angry, affected by the liver disease more than we could realize or understand. so let's just say the day ended abruptly.

a week later we went to boston for the meeting with the liver transplant team. dad was admitted to the hospital that weekend for abdomen pain. he stayed there for over a month before he passed away. i think its safe to say that every day dad was in the hospital he mentioned how excited he was to start working together. he mentioned projects he would have me work on, lunch dates we would go on together, and the iphone that he was going to buy me someday. he told many of his nurses how excited he was to have his daughter join his business. he was so hopeful.

so obviously, the father-daughter business plan went down the drain. not only have i had to wrap my brain around the loss of my father, but also around the loss of my future as a whole. every aspect of my future has been negatively impacted by my dad's passing, including my professional life. and it just plain sucks.

but, god always has a plan. brewster financial was sold and i was given a job opportunity from the new owner. i am so thankful for the job that god has provided me. its not what i had planned, but i am thankful just the same and i know my dad would be proud.

the night before my first day of work, i had a little meltdown. i could not stop crying. i knew that i was going to be working in dad's exact office...sitting at his desk, using his computer. i was excited about it because i knew how much dad would love it. but i was so sad. things were not supposed to go down this way. as grateful as i was for the new job, it wasn't what i wanted or had planned on. dad should still be alive.

i asked my family to pray for me and i made it through my first day at work. there were certainly some rough moments, and there still are. i see his handwriting everywhere. i remember visiting him in this office many, many times. he would always get so excited when jude and i would stop by to say hello. i found a snickers bar in one of his desk drawers. it made me miss him.

so much for making plans. here i am, in a totally different place than i thought. on one hand, it totally sucks. but on the other hand, god has provided and i have so much to be thankful for. and i know my dad would beam with pride if he could see me working in his office, sitting behind his desk, trying to make the best of it.